12.03.08.21.32
I don't know I don't know, i don't know, i repeat to myself.
Depression hurts. Depression sucks. Some people just think that you're depressed because you [i] choose [/i] to. That's so wrong in so many ways I don't know where to start. Depression isn't like that. Sometimes and usually most of the times, depression bites you like a mosquito, and there's not much you could do to avoid it; even if you took all precautions to avoid, it doesn't mean depression won't bite as it normally would.
It feels something like this:
You wake up late, and you still feel like staying in bed. You don't want to see the world outside, because you want to avoid it; god you'd love to call in sick. Then, when you finally wake up (probably noon), you feel starved, and raid the fridge. After stuffing yourself with almost every goody and junk food, you realize you probably ate too much, and thus leading to guilt. You feel yourself being huge, and maybe not even able to see your toes. You don't like what you see, and you don't feel like doing anything because you tell yourself, "I don't care," when deep down, you know you care; that's why you'd get so aggrivated. Then you may do something that doesn't require so much effort, such as watch a television show without feeling much empathy for anything, or reading a book without really focusing and understanding what's happening in the book. You'd get tired a lot too, so you'd probably go to sleep early. The next day will be the same, and you would convince yourself that it wouldn't hurt to be absent for another day, right? After all, I AM sick.
For me, I feel like people just don't care. They look at me funny with their big googly eyes, like I'm an alien that's putting them to slavery, and they're afraid of me; afraid to make a comment; afraid I would get mad and put them to more slavery work. I feel like they don't care. They don't care about me.
I try hard, very very hard to get out of depression, but that doesn't always work. In fact, recently, it feels like nothing I do is good enough. I wake up in the mornings not wanting to go to school, not wanting to begin another day. Nonetheless, I have a huge conflict with myself in my head that one side says, "BAIYANG, GET YOUR ASS OFF THE BED AND JUST DO IT, it'll be over before you know it!" while the other is saying, "oh, one more day can't hurt" Eventually, I'm strong enough to go to school. But instead of being rewarded with a a decent day, and dear lord do I mean that, just a DECENT DAY, it doesn't even have to be perfect or even good, I get some stupid shit in my face: a grade of 27 in Chemistry because I missed half the term. Fuck, this is how they're grading it now: days you get absent = 0. So for example, if I was absent for 2 days out of 3, and 10 points was the highest one can get for a day, I would get 30 points for the week, divided by FIVE (for five days a week, and not for the THREE DAYS I WAS THERE). The reason I find this unfair, is I don't at least get a damn 1~3 points for bringing an excused absent letter that clearly indicates I will be excused because I was SICK. I don't CHOOSE to be sick, I was sick, what the fuck is wrong with that?
I write this just as I was getting one of my pissed sessions after talking to my mom, and I don't feel so well at all. In fact, I blame a lot on her.
For one, she didn't ever care when I collapsed on the floor during the last week of October. I was so sick, I collapsed on the floor, and it was a kind girl who eventually brought me up and helped me limp across the street, had god forbid I get ran over by a car.
Anyway, loots of things happened this last two months, and I'm not in a good state to write about it. I am very very tired, my eyes are dry from crying all month, and my skin is so dry it's literally cracking on my face, which the cut deepens and hurts so much that I can't even put on lotion to soothe it.
This is the worst part of my depression yet, and please, I hope I find the strength in me to stay alive and endure this. It's a blessing to have sensitive emotions, said my doctor, because it will help us later in life as a tool that no one else will have. After surviving each depression, I feel stronger, because I will have something that nobody else will have.
If I am able to endure this while I'm young, I'll have so much more than those who didn't, which I'd bet only one of a few hundred thousand gets it this bad as me. Later on in life,when those who's had their lives smooth and good hit a brick in the wall, they'd crumble and clutter; as compared to if I were to hit the same wall, I'd still carry on because I've walked through the suffocating desert, swam through drowning seas, hike mountains through the blizzards all during the time that those little princesses and prince's were being pampered in their oh-so-perfect worlds.
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